Defining

For so long I have lived by what others define me as. A doula, a student midwife, a mom, a hippie, a crunchy mama, etc. etc. etc... But there is so much more than just a few words. Even those few words listed above have so much complexity that I cannot even begin to share with you who I am.

In just the word doula there is birth activist, believer in women's strength, baby lover, supporter, hardworker and rebel. In mom there is nurse, cook, maid, playmate, teacher and more. The complexity that each one of these words bring don't give people an idea of who I really am.

I'm defined by words that have more meaning to me than they ever will to the person saying them. I don't want to live a life defined by just vague words that don't define the complexity of who I am. I want adjective with those words. I want to hear, "She's a mom, but she's a warrior for her children, she teaches them morals and values and she prepares them healthy meals." I want the full depth of who I am grasped by every person I meet.

I want to define everyone with more adjectives, even colorful ones. If someone is a bitch, I want to define her that way. Not because she's mean or rude, but because she has the guts to stand up for herself. If she's religious, I want to be able to see what drives her religion, not just label her. I want more. I want more depth, I want more explanation and I want more color.

Not just for myself, but for every single person I meet. For my children, for your children, so that they can see a truly 3-D world.

Overwhelmed. Overworked. Exhausted.

Sometimes life hands you a basket full of goodies. And while they are wonderfully tasting you cannot possibly eat them all in on setting. Some people let them go to waste, others put them up for later. What we decide to do with them says loads about our personality. Actually every decision we make says loads about our personality. However, right now, I'm not sure what mine is saying, but I know my basket is full and I have to prepare for later too.

I have been working like crazy to build up a midwifery business, move a house, clear land, crochet, sleep, be that awesome off-grid homeschooling mom and a great girlfriend, but I cannot help but feeling I'm falling flat somewhere. Like I've dropped a ball into quicksand and it's slowly sinking and I cannot get it out without taking my entire self under. Overwhelmed. Overworked. Exhausted.

But the thing is, I have to be this way. I have to have so many balls in the area that I feel like I'm losing control to BE in control. So while most would go out and simplify. Remove one area of work, I add another. To find the calm, I decide to can. You know, put up produce the old fashioned way. And while I love this, I really am unsure why I decided to put more on myself instead of less. Maybe it says I'm crazy and I choose to ignore it by diving into more work, maybe I really do find calm in chaos. Or maybe it's my messed up conspiracy theory riddled mind that thinks that government is preparing for war and wants to make sure my family and those I love are taken care of if things really hit the fan.

But for now.... I'm going to coffee it up, grind the wheel and put up some salsa and carrots. :)